Hello Blog fans the world over, I salute you all! As you might be able to tell from the title this is just a quick blog, but if you really are in a flying hurry, here is a speeded up version. Drove a distance of around 400 miles up to Glencoe, climbed a mountain, Aonach Eagach, had an accident, got transported to Fort William Hospital where I got looked after and patched up, had an impromptu meal, drove home, the end. Not bad I don't think, all within the space of 24 hours, possibly the most action packed 24 hours of my entire life.
Now for the step by step or blow by blow account, no pun intended. The forecast on M.W.I.S was horrific, anyone with half a brain would have run a mile at the sight of it, I didn't I just kept scrolling down weather forecasts until I found one that was half decent, or rather one that could be made to look half decent with a bit of of poetic licence and own interpretation, therefore raising our spirits. However we now realize that going from forecast to forecast until you see one that you like doesn't actually change the weather! The weather will be what it will be. We now know this and in the future will be resolved to face the grim reality and reschedule. The mountains will still be there another day, it would be a fine thing if we are as well.
1:00 a.m - 8:00 a.m travelling
8:00 a.m - 1:00 p.m hill walking
1:00 a.m - 8:00 a.m travelling
8:00 a.m - 1:00 p.m hill walking
When we were kitting up I couldn't help but discern that something wasn't quite right, the rain was hammering down, the adrenalin rush couldn't disguise the fact that I hadn't had a winks sleep. Things didn't get any better on the hill, in fact they got worse, hill fog was prevalent and the incessant wind was making mobility very difficult, in fact the higher and more exposed you got the gusts could take you over. I reckon the wind doubled our energy output and added 40% on to our time, certainly impeded our performance, it took us 5 hours to reach Am Bodach!
At one point however we thought "wow" our twisted interpretation of a backstreet weather forecaster was right. The wind abated, the hill fog lifted, other peaks came into view, the sun even put its hat on, he took it off pretty sharpish though, the bad weather gradually came back with a vengeance. We eventually made it to Am Bodach our first Munro, there we all shook hands, as is the custom, and celebrated with a tot of whiskey. Was a bit disconcerting to realize later that Am Bodach is not a Munro but what is called a 'top'. One of the H.W.W (hill walkers wives) later commented, " don't they even know what mountain they're doing?!"
Oz was our leader, and a good one, intelligent, sensible and balanced, I know myself I do sometimes have the tendency to go a bit too far and not realize when it's time to call it a day. When we reached the 20 metre drop, he was having none of it, Tom and I were of the same line of thought but it was reassuring to have the stamp of ozthority! The 20 metre drop was adorned with wet snow and hill fog, not to mention a buffeting side wind which would have made any traverse of the main ridge treacherous if not blind stupidity!
The scene back along the connecting ridge to Am Bodach could be described as ' three men drunk at closing time', we were staggering all over the place as we were continually being buffeted by the wind, on occasion crawling along on our hands and knees as the weather got increasingly severe. People often describe rain as being 'horizontal' when emphasising bad weather, this rain I can only describe as being 'reverse vertical', it was blowing up at you! With the wind chill, mobility becoming increasingly difficult and the symphony of violent wind and rain it must be the most inhospitable weather I've ever been caught in, but not something I want to brag about.
On the descent we got separated by the mist closing in. This was my fault I carried on ahead while Tom and Oz were having a bite to eat, I sat down on a rock to wait for them to catch up, but they never did! At one point I was sure I could here their voices, I cupped my hands and yelled at the top of my voice, but to no avail, my words were lost on the raging wind. ''Oh well, you're on your own now kid" I said to my self, not a problem though, our footprints were still visible in the snow the obvious route would be to follow those down.
I've often pondered how Oz tolerates those horrendous hamstring cramps, they're enough to test any body's pain threshold, I've always been thankful not to suffer from such a debilitating nuisance, however, that was about to change. About half way down the descent they started coming on, with greater and greater intensity, until finally they would grab me with every single step, it was murder, all you can do to alleviate the pain is massage the affected area and shake and stamp your feet until your thigh loosens up. When the pain comes on it's kind of overwhelming and could cause you to panic. Not nice.
It wasn't just the excruciating pain that was the problem with these leg cramps, it must have added on at least an hour possibly two, to the descent. I asked myself, 'why had I suddenly started to suffer from cramps? On reflection it is obvious, exhaustion and severe weather. In the end I'd had enough of it and found a measure of relief in a technique we call Oz sliding, named after our exalted leader, whereby you slide down on your backside and use your hands and legs to steer. I abandoned the track, which meant endless cramps in favour of finding a nice piece of moss, sliding down it until it ran out, finding another piece of moss and repeating the process.
Now apparently there has been a very scholarly work published on this very subject, by a certain Mr A. Shaw and Mrs L. Shaw, son in law and daughter respectively, of our exhausted leader Oz, or the Ozfather as he's known in some circles. Here it provides some vital information on this very activity, I quote, 'never Oz slide alone', 'always let others know your plans to Oz slide', 'always wear a crash helmet when Oz sliding'. Granted this literature didn't surface until after the event, but it has to be said that the aforementioned advice was not followed and very much to my detriment.
On the last pitch, maybe due to tiredness, I sped out of control, I tried to arrest my flight by grabbing hold of a lonely decayed birch trunk but it betrayed me and snapped, consequently spinning me round and leaving me to the mercy of gravity, in other words dropping down a 12 foot rock chimney, which had I been in control of my movements, would have posed no problem. If you imagine the fall spot as a triangle, the hypotenuse would maybe of been about 15 feet, enough time for me to shout Jehovah, which I must say I am particularly proud of. I then found myself doing a dozen or so roley poleys down a gradient of about 45 degrees before it levelled out. I picked myself up, dusted myself down, understandably well shocked, horrified as the large volume of hot blood gushed down my face! My only 'coup-de-grace' was that I was now at the bottom of the hill, just a few yards of podgy grass to walk over, to the road.
Crown Court!
Crown Court!
Back at home the Hill walkers Wives became the district attorney prosecution witness and my cosy little home at Our Avenue became Crown Court, on occasion this also convened at Nettleshams, Judge Sue solemnly walked in, replete with wig, black gown and little wooden mallet. "Silence in court" she bellowed, "case no.1 'Head Case'. I was first in the dock. When I gave my statement to the H.W.W there appeared to be a flaw in the timing, that is the time I reached the bottom of the hill differed from the time Tom and Oz did by some 90 minutes, now I have already explained that this was due to the fact so much time was consumed with leg cramps, this didn't cut any ice with the prosecution, Rt Hon D.H.Ingram asked "how do you know you weren't knocked unconscious?" Well I could even remember what I was thinking during my brief flight, "there goes my head... aaagh no!... there goes my head again". This too didn't impress the bench.
As the court session convened for about the third time the true nature of the charges began to emerge. Was my Oz sliding and subsequent fall just a rouse to cover up something of far more gravity, namely a botched attempt of the 20 metre drop and traverse of the main ridge! I didn't help myself either, in an earlier statement to my barrister wife by telephone hook up link from my hospital bed, I used the word 'precipice'! My defence solicitor general, Mr T. Bertins pointed out that this was maybe due to shock, but too late the wheels of speculation were now in motion. The prosecution, that is Rt. Hon V.M. Bertins, D.H.Ingram, L. & A.Shaw were right behind Judge Sue when she asked the crunch Question "when you reached the van, had the blood congealed?" In other words had the accident occurred earlier while attempting something far more dangerous? I replied hesitantly "....err.. yes as a matter of fact it had... because it was windy". Session adjourned.
At one point one of the three accused, Exhausted leader Oz stood up put his wig and cape on and started doing some cross examining, the bench didn't seem to mind, me being my dozy old self didn't realize what was going on until he got to about his third question, when I blurted out " hey up, you were with us!" I can't explain why I used the word ' precipice', I've since looked it up in the dictionary and if time repeated itself I would definitely have chosen another word. Immediately after my fall, my greatest anxiety was presenting myself to my two companions in the state I was in, covered from head to toe in blood and my head split open. I couldn't just stroll up to them and say a salutation like " Hi lads, hows thangs?" After some ruminating I thought the most fitting thing I could say is "now look lads, it's not as bad as it looks!"
1:00p.m - 4:00p.m Fort William Hospital!
1:00p.m - 4:00p.m Fort William Hospital!
I walked the 100 yards or so back to the van. The first person I saw was Tom, he was obviously aware that I was approaching but he didn't see me as he was dabbing his boots into a puddle to get the mud off, in a rather nonchalant manner, he turned to me to say "hi" but didn't get that far through being visibly freaked out. Tom escorted me to the van to see Oz, who was swept off his feet as well "woe, woe, woe that's a 999 job" he said in a definite Oz tone! My initial retort was that it would be fine with a few plasters patched over the wound, but Tom and Oz were not going to be convinced, they later confessed that my skull was visible behind the wound! "That will take more than a plaster" was Oz's curt reply. My attitude was I just didn't want to spoil the party, I was still feeling half human, I would recover and I was resolutely determined that nothing was going to mess up our plans.
Oz couldn't get a signal, so the Oz van became the Ozbulance! I was secured in the back and rushed to Fort William hospital, a distance of about 25 miles. The leg cramps seized me as I was wheeled into hospital on a trolley and swung round a few corners into a side ward, my only defence was to scream! There I was given the hot towel treatment, that is I was stripped down to my boxers and had several fluffy steaming towels placed over me, it was ultimate relaxation, like a luxurious bath but without getting wet, absolute manna! Following this there was the encumbrance of being attended to by two or three pretty nurses who cleaned and stitched me up, Mark Rogers would have been so envious!
Once I had been cleaned and patched up and donned a new set of clothes, I felt a new man. I informed the male nurse that the word Hospital was derived from a Latin route meaning 'fondness of strangers' and their kindness was deeply appreciated by myself. Now today was boxing day and there happened to be a lot of leftovers from the day before, like turkey drumsticks, chicken sandwiches, pork pies etc, now was my chance to help them out, a service I discharged to the best of my ability. At this point my two friends Tom and Oz were ushered in, I think they were rather surprised to see me so revitalized, I gestured towards the banquet, suggesting that they were free to help themselves, but they had already filled up on the unappetising 'breakfast bar'. Not to worry.
It was during this period I phoned my wife, Deb, she didn't sound too perturbed, I suppose she thought I'm talking to him and he's coming home tonight so things can't be that bad. Little did I know the H.W.W were transmetamorphasizing into a courtroom outfit not to be trifled with, me being the accused and my two friends being charged with aiding and abetting. I must admit I did get a little bit suspicious when she said over the phone "anything you say may be taken down and used as evidence against you, and we've already logged the word 'precipice! " At the time I just put it all down to shock.
Prior to the above incident I did have a minor altercation with the charge nurse. Let me first set the backdrop, you couldn't ignore the fact that the wind must have been at least gale force, intermingled with what was quite a lot of rain, giving the effect of power washing the windows and it sounded like someone was pouring an endless sack of marbles on to the galvanized tin roof of my hospital ward. The male nurse was trying to convince me that it was routine procedure, when someone had a head injury, to keep them under observation over night, because we were still bent on accomplishing our mission of knocking off one or two Coulins on Skye, I reassured him that this wouldn't be necessary, besides I had a couple of reliable friends, who would be the first to react if I started acting a little odd. As he headed towards the door he seemed to be coming round to my way of thinking, when he suddenly stopped in his tracks, turned on his heels, looked me straight in the face through pursed eyes and said "where are you sleeping tonight?" I replied (thinking oo'er) "err maybe in a tent! " Utter silence, apart from the wind and rain of course. "Your nuts!" he replied after a pregnant pause, throwing his arms up into the air as he carried on towards the door.
Given time to reflect, if we were all in perfect health, the weather being as it was, there was no way we would be doing any Cuilins, imagine erecting a tent in a storm! But I still maintain if the weather had picked up there was no way you would have got me going home, but home was now where we were headed. The charge nurse soon reappeared and gave me the green light, phew! Tom and I waited in the lobby for Oz to come and pick us up, he seemed to be a long time coming but he eventually appeared looking rather harassed, apparently it took him 10 minutes to get into his van! As he raised one leg up, it was grabbed by cramps and vice versa, he violently shook and stamped his feet about, had another go, but the same thing happened, eventually he managed to haul himself in. All of this took place while it was canning it down with rain. Couldn't help but think it would have been a good candidate for 'You've been framed'.
4:00p.m - 11:00p.m on our way home
4:00p.m - 11:00p.m on our way home
On the way home even managed to do my share of the driving, this wasn't part of the original game plan but Tom was asleep and Oz was rolling around in the back of the van with the cramps. It kind of sounded like he was starting off a song in bass and ending in counter tenor, before spinning off the vocal register completely. My maligned sense of humour was conspiring against me but as I had cracked two or three ribs, laughing was a painful ordeal, especially when you're driving, but to stifle a laugh can be funny in itself, it doesn't go away, a cameo of it pops back into the mind uninvited and off you go again. I only went to hospital for a laugh but came out in stitches, sixteen to be precise!
On another occasion Oz thought he could banish the cramps by finding a good hard surface away from the public eye and vigorously shake his legs and stamp his feet for a good 10 minutes thereby get the blood flowing and dissipate the flow of lactic acid. We managed to find a disused garage and Oz really went for it like a man possessed, a sight for sore eyes! A man did go past walking his dog, he beckoned me to wind the window down and asked me what seemed to be the problem, I said I did not know the man, he raised one eyebrow, as if to say "are you sure?" I replied firmly "I swear I've never seen the man in my life!" I think a cock crowed soon afterwards.
We received a great homecoming from the H.W.W. What did we learn from this fiasco? Well I'm pleased to say looking back that we have become more sensible and cautious, we are always honest with ourselves regarding the forecast, a serious undertaking shouldn't be attempted solo, sticking together is vital, we've also learnt that if you have an accident and you have to inform your wife, don't use the word 'precipice', or less of course you've fallen off the edge of a cliff and have no qualms about your home being turned into Crown Court. On a more serious note it brings to bare what a fragile machine the human body is, life is good, it is precious beyond words therefore the respect for it should be commensurate, there are no such thing as supermen we are all 'fear inspiringly made'.
The court convened for its final session. Judge Sue took centre stage, barristers of the prosecution, Rt. Hons Ingram, Bertins, L. Shaw and A.Shaw took their positions below the judge. All eyes were fixed on the three accused. Judge Sue calls to order, "you have all been charged with ostensibly concealing facts from the H.W.W. A verdict has now been reached and it is my privilege to deliver this to all blog fans, THE VERDICT...
...well the Jury's still out on that one!"
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